Fighting To Stay Out of The Darkness

The struggle to avoid depression as a marginalized person

I have lived with depression on and off for over 30 years. I am a person inhabiting a body that society often regards as invisible living with an invisible illness. The irony is not lost on me.

For some time, I have fought hard not to succumb to depression’s dark depths but they encroach ever closer, lapping at my heels, lying in wait to shroud my soul. In the past, depression was akin to a heavy blanket that swaddled me whole, to the point where it was difficult to untangle myself.

To keep the darkness from encroaching me, I’ve mostly kept myself busy. I’ve increased the amount of time I volunteer. I keep my social calendar full. I journal. I drink in an effort to forget my low status in society as I don’t always want to be an introverted middle aged Black woman with a few extra pounds. But in the back of my mind, I’ve started to wonder if all that I’m doing is enough to keep the darkness at bay. To look at me, you wouldn’t think that anything was wrong. I smile, laugh and carry on with grace like I’ve been taught to do. But no one outside of my immediate family is aware of the extent of my mental illness. Because I rarely speak of it out loud, no one knows when I’m drowning.

I don’t know how to reach out or even if I want to reach out. And because of my silence, I fear that it could end up killing me.

There are a myriad of reasons why I stay silent. I’ve detailed some of them before in this piece but to reiterate some of them, I come from a community that has a huge stigma regarding mental illness, an even bigger one than in the dominant society. When I was very young, I was invalidated and dismissed. I was told that only white people got mentally ill. I was regarded as petty because my issues were nothing compared to what our ancestors faced during slavery. I was given suggestions to just pray my troubles away.

Lately, I get told to just be strong. Or that all I need to do is exercise. Never mind that I already go to the gym three days a week and that it only helps in the short term. It doesn’t fully stop the darkness from trying to drag me under.

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